As we bid 2003 good-bye, it’s a wonderful time to reflect upon the past year and the changes it has wrought on all of us. The Christmas letter tells the tale (at least briefly) and I think it’s safe to say that the BLOG certainly has chronicled the last seven months in more detail!
So instead of boring the heck out of you with a recap, I offer up this quote from Babylon 5 that really sums up a lot of my feelings for the past year. OK, my tendency to quote drives Mommy up a wall but that is just tough…I like quotes, especially good ones like this one! 🙂
If I take a lamp and shine it toward the wall, a bright spot will appear on the wall. The lamp is our search for truth...for understanding. Too often, we assume that the light on the wall is God, but the light is not the goal of the search, it is the result of the search. The more intense the search, the brighter the light on the wall.The brighter the light on the wall, the greater the sense of revelation upon seeing it. Similarly, someone who does not search - who does not bring a lantern - sees nothing. What we perceive as God is the by-product of our search for God. It may simply be an appreciation of the light...pure and unblemished...not understanding that it comes from us. Sometimes we stand in front of the light and assume that we are the center of the universe - God looks astonishingly like we do - or we turn to look at our shadow and assume that all is darkness. If we allow ourselves to get in the way, we defeat the purpose, which is to use the light of our search to illuminate the wall in all its beauty and in all its flaws; and in so doing, better understand the world around us. --- Citizen G'Kar:
I think it’s safe to say that all of us who have encountered and could not help but fall in love with Nicholas have experienced this desperate yearning to find this truth and understanding for ourselves. The beauty of it is that we each have a unique and perfectly valid view of that sentinel event of this year (at least for us, the addition of Nicholas to our family) and it’s after effects.
It’s not been an easy journey of discovery for any of us. From starting the year with what was going to become a more exciting pregnancy to the birth and beyond (not to mention all of real life’s intrusions like trying to sell a house in a buyer’s market and maintain one’s focus and job performance)…it is utterly impossible to have made it through the year and not be utterly changed. If you can pull that off, you need to check the ol’ ticker ’cause it ain’t workin’!
I can’t count how many times I’ve been scared witless about his coming and what it meant. Or how many times I’ve felt joy when holding him and giving him a bottle and seeing him look at me with such utter trust and love that it almost makes me want to cry! Or the many times I’ve been frustrated out of my mind trying to figure out what it is that he wants me to do when he’s yelling his head off…do I change a diaper, feed him, hold him, make funny faces at him, what?!? How much formula am I giving him now (it varied from feeding to feeding) and do I give him his medicine now or later?
What I can say without reservation is that I wouldn’t know what to do had it not been for Julia just about driving herself to exhaustion being a wonderful mother to Nicholas these past 7½ months! She has certainly shouldered the majority of the childcare and late nights with him (something I just don’t do well at all) and all the while manages to still do more than her fair share of the work round the house out of sheer determination. She’s a pretty amazing woman and I feel lucky that she actually said yes two years ago!
She’s also taken someone who was completely clueless (that would me!) and turned me into someone who is at least borderline competent in the baby care arts. I’ll confess that those first couple of months were hell because he was so small and I thought I’d break him with my big (and clumsy) hands! It’s just not that easy handling a small baby like that, particularly when you’re not used to it and you’re not yet comfortable with the proposition. As he finally started hitting the growth spurts, he got a lot easier to handle (well, if you discount his I’m a human pretzel routine when you’re changing him or holding him, that is). With time also comes experience and that’s a real help…
Another shout out goes to Grammy who has really helped us out by taking care of Nicholas on the days we both have to go to work. That, her voice of experience and being a wonderful sounding board has been of immeasurable help these past few months. I’m not the least ashamed to say that in order to have an amazing wife, Julia had to have an amazing mother before her…and she most certainly does!
And most importantly, we are eternally grateful for our family and friends (those who read the BLOG and those who don’t) who have made the trail in 2003 that much easier to travel simply by being who they are and caring deeply for us. We appreciate that more than you’ll know!
With that, our hopes and our dreams for you is a peaceful, safe, and happy 2004 for you and yours!